This is where I hope someone can learn from my mistakes.
Here’s what I know. There’s being a badass, and pushing yourself to new heights, working through discomfort to reach your goals. And then there’s being a dumbass, ignoring your body’s signals that something is not right and to Stop Now.
In trying to be more and more of a badass, I crossed the line into dumbass. My coach is taking it easier on me than I deserve, saying I didn’t know and shouldn’t blame myself, but really. I’m a grown-up. I know when something hurts, and I should have the self-control and sense to stop when something is wrong. To not go into a workout in pain and fail to mention that to my coach because I’m afraid he won’t let me do heavy squats and deadlifts that day. Damn right he wouldn’t have! I would have missed a PR of a 165 lb squat for 8 reps. So what? I would have done it another day. My own shortsightedness astounds me. I would have pouted that I didn’t get to lift. And gotten over it. And I wouldn’t be writing this post.
Why the stupidity? Partly denial. Somewhere in my brain I’m a teenage boy with a young, invincible body. And partly a ferocious desire to keep lifting, keep doing what I love, reach my big goals and the sooner the better. (One thing my coach *has* called me on, and rightly, is trying to accomplish in a year what other people work for 10 years on). Sadly and ironically, thinking I could just push through one more workout has sidelined me for, well, I don’t know for how long. Certainly long enough that my big goals for the year, and for the long term (2013 Arnold) are likely shattered. I don’t know if I’ve cried more tears because of the physical pain the last few days –which has been the worst I’ve ever experienced — or because of the heartbreak of not getting back under a heavy weight in the foreseeable future, the loss of my passion that drives me every day.
But if I think about that I will never get anywhere. So it’s time to find out how strong I really am. Am I strong enough to do the rehab work that will get me back to a point where I can start over? Am I strong enough and humble enough to go back to beginning weights when I get to that point? It’s time to find out what I’m really made of. Let’s hope I can show that I’m not really just a dumbass.